The Aftermath
by RollinsFrostFan
Summary: Amanda finds out she is the one who fired the deadly bullet to Esther LaBott. This is based off the deleted scene when Fin comes to visit her at her apartment. Just to check on her and tell her he's there if she needs him. It's more of the emotions that she is feeling from the news. She gets another unexpected visitor as well.


_**This is taken from the deleted scene from Season 19 episode 20 "The Book Of Esther" kind of elaborated more on that small scene if yall have seen it. If not this will spoil that scene. Fin coming over to check on his partner & friend. Amanda just is hurting. Hope yall enjoy it and feedback is always welcome. **_

There she was sitting in Jesse's room, her daughter fast asleep, just watching her. Her furry best friend Frannie right beside her. She had all the love in the world from them. She needed it especially now. She had left the precinct after breaking down in Liv's office. The news that Olivia had told her devastated her, she still couldnt get the thoughts out of her head. _"You fired the shot that killed Esther LaBott."_ The words continuing to echo in her head. She Amanda Rollins had shot and killed their victim. The victim she had practically befriended. She sat there just gazing at her baby girl. As she sat there and thought she just held her little love's hand. After a few more minutes she heard a knock at the door. Confused as to who would be coming by at this hour. It wasnt exactly late at night but it was Jesse's bed time. They knocked again. Kissing Jesse's hand once more, she got up and went to the door. Frannie followed. The pitbull mix just not wanting to leave her side. Adjusting her robe she looked through the peep hole. Seeing it was Fin she opened the door. Her voice light, full of despair and exhaustion. _"Hi Fin"._ He looked at her, clearly seeing she had been beating herself up. Liv had told him after she delivered the fateful discovery of the bullet that killed Esther LaBott came from Amanda's service weapon. He spoke easily as he didnt want to stress out his partner even more than she was.

"Liv told me what happened. Can I come in?" She looked at him, the tired expression showed that she was just done. Nodding her head to let him come in. Amanda closed her door and went to sit down. The hurt and anquish so apparent in her body language and her eyes. They talked for few minutes. He could see she was shutting down and was worried about her. "Look maybe you should talk to someone. I know it's not what you want to hear. I say that especially if you start thinking of reverting back to old habits." He hated to make her think of the gambling she had overcome but when something traumatic happens one can get sucked back into those habits. Glassy eyes looked at him, he hadnt meant to hurt her or doubt her. _"Fin I have no intentions of going back there. I have too much to lose."_ He was glad for that, still didnt make him worry any less. He was close to her, he looked out for her. She was like his little sister, technically she and Liv were, but more so Amanda cause they worked together alot. "I thank you for stopping by Fin. I appreciate you looking out for me. Means alot." He gave her a hug, he wasnt sure how she would take that, and was actually surprised she hugged him back. As he went to the door he looked at her again, her blue eyes still filled with hurt and doubt. "If you need anything at all dont hesitate to call or text me Amanda. I mean it. No matter what time." She promised him she would. He could tell that this time she really meant it and would reach out if she needed to. He took off. She grabbed a bottle of beer and went to her couch.

She ended up dozing off on her couch. Tv buzzing with some show in the background. Almost immediately there was Esther. The young woman invading her dreams. This was too much. It was bad enough she had fired off the killing bullet. She tossed as she saw the girl in her dream, bullet in her skull but she looked at peace too. _'was this meant to be? was this the way I was supposed to help her? No this couldnt have been the way I was supposed to help her.'_ She tossed on the couch, jolting awake and catching herself before she fell off the couch. She looked at the time. It was only nine pm. She went up to go use the bathroom as taking a cat nap right after a bottle of beer wreaked havoc on her bladder. Just as she was finishing she heard a knock on her door. Shaking her head as she heard Frannie bark, _'woof'_ she headed to the door. "Shhh Frannie, dont wake Jesse." Apparently she wasnt getting to her door fast enough and again the visitor knocked more persistent this time. Mumbling to herself as she was walking to the door. She looked through the peephole and saw Olivia there as well as Noah, she quickly opened the door. A bit annoyed at all the visitors but with Noah there too she really couldnt catch much of an attitude. "Hey Liv, Hiya Noah. Come on in." Liv and Noah entered the apartment, Noah quickly hugged Amanda. After hugging Amanda, Noah went to Frannie and laid down with her. Amanda looked at Liv, "So what brings ya'll by? Especially at this time. I thought you usually had Noah in bed." Liv sensed Amanda was a little annoyed. "Sweetie I just wanted to check on you is all. I figured you had prolly heard enough of your phone ringing so I decided to come by. Last thing I wanted to do was bother you. Noah and I can leave." She looked over at Amanda who had wasnt saying anything. "Come on Noah, we're going to get going Auntie Amanda here is tired." Noah scratched Frannie's ears, "Aww mommy we just got here, and I'm sitting with Frannie. Auntie Manda can we stay for a little while? I wanna hang out with Frannie. _PLEASE_?" The cute young boy whined a little. With a smile and request like that, how could Amanda ask them to leave? She looked at the little boy she thought the world of "Well I think Frannie is quite content with you there sitting with her so of course you can stay." Noah looked at Liv "See Mommy, Auntie Mandy said we could stay." Amanda smiled and shook her head. "Liv it's not a problem. I can put cartoons on for him and we can go into my room and talk."

After getting Noah situated with cartoons, a pillow and blanket she and Liv went to talk. "I'll leave the door cracked in case Noah needs you." Liv watched the tired blonde woman walk over to her bed. She made sure to keep the house coat she had on wrapped tight around her, as she was comfortable and by that she wasnt wearing a bra. When she sat down on her bed, Liv scooted a little bit closer, Amanda immediately hung her head down resting it in her hands. Olivia could see the small quivers begin and that let her know that Amanda was infact crying. She moved closer so that she was right next to Amanda, with that she began to rub her back. The ministrations light and easy, Amanda leaning in to get more of the gentle touch. She spoke softly as she didnt want the obviously upset blonde to think she was angry or disappointed in her. _"Amanda you tried to protect her honey. You went with your gut. Everyone was firing once Mr. LaBott started."_ Amanda looked over, giving a side eye glance " _Yeah and it was my shot that killed her. We've been over this Liv."_ Liv pulled the trembling blonde into her arms, cradling her against her body. " _Amanda honey you cant keep doing this to yourself. You didnt intentionally shoot her. It was a blind shot sweetie. Come on, you gotta calm down. I dont want to leave you like this. I know Noah and I showed up unannounced, so we are going to get going before it gets too late."_ Amanda had disguarded the house coat she had donned, it got too warm for her. Amanda stood up, she didnt want Liv to leave. At first she really didnt want the company but now that Liv was there she didnt want her to leave. "Liv if you wouldnt mind staying I could use the company. I can set Noah up in Jesse's room, oh she'd love to see him when she wakes up. Please stay." Liv looked at her, if she stayed and they talked things might be said, but would it be things she should be saying to her detective when she just went through all this?

Amanda got the feeling she was making Liv uncomfortable with her request. As much as she'd like her to stay she didnt want to force her. _"It's okay Liv. I understand it's too much. I'm sorry. I do appreciate you stopping by to check on me."_ She swiped at the tear that had fallen from her eye. Now that Liv was here she didnt want her to leave, she didnt want to be alone. Liv didnt want to leave but she feared she was going to make the wrong move. She reached over to gently wipe away the tears that her friend was now shedding. "Sweetie, what's wrong?" Amanda looked away mumbling "Idon'twantyoutogo." Liv gently pulled her face to get her to look at her. "What was that honey? I couldnt understand you." Amanda softly answered, she had a lump in her throat, "I said I um...I don't want you to go Liv. I want you to stay. I don't wanna be alone" She moved closer and had rested her head on Liv's shoulder and played with Liv's free hand.

Liv continued to rub the pale hand that had taken to playing with her free hand. "Sweetie if you really want me to stay I'll stay. You need to tell me what I can do for you. It hurts seeing you like this." Amanda kept her head on Liv's shoulder "There's nothing that can be done, Liv I took an innocent girl's life. I'm not supposed to get any reprieve or comfort." Tears start to fall hard once again "I'm not deserving of being comforted or loved Liv. I've learned to accept that, it's hard but."

After a little bit of sitting in silence Amanda stood up. Clearing her throat from the onslaught of tears "Since you are staying we should get Noah set up in Jesse's room. And then I'll get you set up in here and I'll take the couch." Liv didnt respond as she really didnt want to be away from Amanda tonight and instinct was telling her the same. They went to the living room together and they found Noah asleep. Liv went to pick him up and Amanda stopped her. "Please let me." Liv stepped back, allowing Amanda to pick up her son, after all she was 'Auntie Manda'. Amanda picked up the little boy, cradling him close to her. Sensing that he was picked up he snuggled more into the hold. When they got into Jesse's room Amanda pointed to where the cot was for guests. Liv pulled it out and placed the pillow on there. She then stepped back something told her to watch the interaction between her son and her friend it was saying to her _'this interaction could be the answer that you are looking for.'_ Amanda gently laid Noah down on the cot, making sure he had Eddie before tucking him in. She gently kissed his forehead. "Good night, sweet dreams. Love you Noah." She stood back up, gave Jesse a kiss on her forehead and told her she loved her. Liv smiled at her. The love she showed both of the kids just warmed Olivia's heart, as well as confirmed the feelings she knew were there. Amanda walked back over to Liv. "Thank you for allowing me to do that." Liv smiled, taking Amanda's hand they walked out of the room. As Amanda went to close Jesse's door to a crack Liv turned and placed a gentle kiss on Amanda's forehead. Liv once again took a hold of Amanda's hand, this time completely aware of the sparks she was feeling. She lead Amanda back to her bedroom. She wanted to talk, she wanted to kiss this woman silly. Thinking _"I really want to show her how I feel. I want to make love to her...shit, fuck, did I just think that without hestitation?'_ _

Liv looked at Amanda as they sat back down on her bed, "Honey I just want you to relax and get some rest." Amanda laid back and rested her head on the pillows. She didnt want to rest tonight. She wanted to feel. She had felt empty and like she had nothing to offer since the shooting. She had bonded with Esther on many levels, she Amanda Rollins went through the same growing up. Her father was a strict man who made damn sure his daughters knew who was in charge. He hadnt brainwashed them, well not her anyway, Kim was another story. He did however withhold food from them and he did beat them mercilessly if they didnt listen, if they challenged him, or if they went against his word in anyway.

Liv laid down beside her, gently brushing her hair away from her eyes. Amanda had beautiful eyes and she often found herself staring into them and getting lost in them, more than ever now since they had gotten closer and had been spending more time together. Amanda wanted to be held, kind of felt stupid to be wanting such a childish thing she thought.

The blonde lay trembling under the covers. Her body just reacting to the stress of everything. Liv put her hand on Amanda's side as she had turned away from Liv with the onslaught of fresh tears. Liv wanted to have the woman in her arms, she wanted to ease her pain and just be there, more so she just wanted her in her arms. Noting the stubborn streak her detective had she knew she was asking for ice water in hell if she thought Amanda was gonna admit that she wanted to be held. So she needed to be the bigger woman, bite the bullet and ask Amanda if she could hold her. Hearing the soft sniffles of the blonde's cries she had to do it. Rubbing her Amanda's arm gently and speaking with the soothing tone that made anyone talk " _Sweetie do you mind if I just hold you? The need to have you in my arms is real right now and I cant really put it into words."_ She hoped Amanda would just let her hold her and not question her. She didnt want to spring her feelings on the blonde during this time, she didnt want it to seem like she was only caring cause of the situation.

Oh how Amanda hoped she heard Liv right, and that Liv infact wanted to hold her. She nodded, wiping away tears that just seemed to be endless tonight. She rolled back over and faced Liv, tears still present, Liv gently wiped the tears away. After doing that she pulled Amanda close to her, body to body so close infact she could feel the blonde's heartbeat which for the moment it was calm, hers on the other hand was racing like a steed of buffalo running. She didnt think Amanda would actually allow this comfort. Kissing her forehead she lovingly said "You know sweetie you dont always have to be strong, you can break. Only thing I ask is that you allow me to be here with you." Amanda rested her head against Liv's breast just where she could feel the heartbeat thrum in her ear. The sound relaxed her. Liv held a little more snug. The next words broke Liv's heart. The smaller blondes voice raspy from the recent onslaught of tears "I've never known this kind of love and or compassion, it wasnt shown to me. The only unconditional love I have ever known is what I get from Jesse."

That couldnt be true. The woman in her arms had to have been loved by someone. "Amanda come on sweetie, someone has to love you." Amanda lifted her head from the spot she felt comfortable, "I wasnt loved or wanted as a kid, then when all the shit with Patton went down, oh that was the final straw. Come on you saw how my mother was when Kim was arrested. She fucking left and blamed me." Seeing the pain in the blondes eyes, those blue eyes bearing so much hurt. She couldnt take it anymore she had to do something. Though if she made this move it would be something they wouldnt be able to go back from. At this point she didnt care. She couldnt keep seeing the blank hurt look in those beautiful blue eyes. Liv leaned in closer and next thing she knew her lips had taken over. Her lips had captured the blondes in a soft passion. Amanda a little shocked went with it. It felt nice not being the first one to make a move. After the kiss was broken, reason being both of them needing air. Amanda had lust cloud over her eyes, she was breathless and when she spoke her voice was husky and that southern accent shone through. "Liv, that was..." With that accent hitting her Liv had to get another taste it was like the blondes lips were begging for another. Liv leant in and captured the beautiful plump lips again. This time gently pulling Amanda atop of her. Holding her close and kissing her more heatedly she was enjoying having Amanda at ease.

Liv got a little bolder, since Amanda was relaxed with the kissing and being ontop she gently slipped her hands up into Amanda's shirt. Her fingers lightly grazing the warm skin. Amanda moaned at the gentle touch but didnt shy away. When Liv realized Amanda was infact enjoying the skin to skin touching she brought her hand over into the front and lightly explored her stomach. Amanda's stomach jumping lightly with the gentle touch. Breaking the kiss lightly. "You okay Amanda? I can stop if you're uncomfortable." "Amanda touched Liv's face softly caressing her cheeks. "Please dont stop. I like this. I trust you will stop if I want you to."

"Of course I'd stop. This all goes on how you feel. We go as far as you like." She kissed her lips softly. "By the way you are loved Amanda." Liv tells her blonde detective, causing the younger woman who she was so attracted to; to avert her eyes in disbelief and shame.

"Honey, look at me. That beautiful little girl you gave birth to, beautiful Jesse loves you. Frannie Mae loves you, you see Noah adores and loves his 'Auntie Manda'. Sweetie the guys love you, come on sweetie you know Fin thinks of you like his little sister." Amanda shied her head down with embarrassment, she wasnt used to being praised like this. "And I love you." Liv says, using her free hand that isnt currently placed in Amanda's shirt on her soft skin to guide her blue eyes up to meet her own dark pools.

The words strike a chord within Amanda, hitting a spot in her that overwhelms her with feelings for her boss, the ones that she had been suppressing for so long. Her feelings now bubbling venomously at the surface. Without hesitation Amanda makes the initial move capturing Olivia's lips in a heated exchange. Her own hands beseeching the older woman's bare flesh. Olivia's olive skin jumping at the touch of the younger woman. Things between them started to get heated as they started to paw at each others shirts, needing access to the skin hidden underneath the garments. Since Amanda had no bra on once her shirt was gone she was bared from the top down to her shorts. Liv couldnt help but stare at the blonde. She was absolutely gorgeous. The pale skin, her body toned it was definitly noticed that Amanda worked out and kept in shape. Liv let her hands gently roam her milky skin. Liv kissed Amanda hotly once more before trailing kisses down her jawline and her neck. "God you are beautiful Manda." Amanda pushing herself against Liv, kissing her, nibbling on her lips to shut her up. Not that she didnt want to hear Liv talk, she just wanted to feel. Tonight she needed to feel. Amanda ripped the shirt from Liv, buttons flying. The taller womans breasts still confined in a black lace bra. Her fingers fumbled in the back to get the bra off. Once the intrusive garment was disgarded Amanda let her own hands wander and explore. Kissing Liv's neck, nibbling gently her way down her neck. Liv arching up to her, nipples touching nipples lightly was enough to send tremors and tingles through their bodies.

Hands touching and caressing each others bodies. This was infact what Amanda needed. Though Liv was about to step up her game a bit more. She gently flipped them so Amanda was now the one on her back against the pillows. Shorts and sweatpants had been tossed on the floor and in the midst of switching positions underwear went missing. Neither of them complaining. Completely bared to one another, there was no hiding anything. Liv wanted and needed to make Amanda feel tonight, she needed to feel something other than pain and blame. She began to touch Amanda, gently explore the beautiful blondes body. She wanted to do this right, she wanted to show the lady laying under her just how loved and appreciated she truly was. She began to trail kisses down Amanda's neck down over her breasts to her belly. Amanda moaning and writhing for more of the caring touch. Liv came back up for a quick passionate kiss before giving Amanda what she needed. After the kiss leaving her breathless she trailed her fingers down over the toned body sending shivers up Amanda's spine, Liv saw that beautiful smile she wanted to see. "God Amanda you are so beautiful. So beautiful." The trailing and touches had left Amanda wetter than they had started. Liv's hands now caressing Amanda's inner thighs, gently placing little kisses and even nibbling. Nibbling made Amanda jump in anticipation, breathless barely able to speak " _Please Liv. I cant hold out any longer."_ With that, Liv noticed that she had begun to drip a little, her folds glistening with the oncoming orgasm. She was going to rock Amanda's world she plunged finger and tongue at the same time, oh the ripples she felt soar through Amanda's body. Amanda's legs tightening and holding Liv there to continue to pleasure her. Amanda's moans and writhing were turning Liv on majorly. Amanda's orgasm began to hit, yelling Liv's name over and over again. The tremors in her body more powerful as the orgasm hit. Liv lapped up the juices that came from her lover. Her lover tasted so good to her. _"Oh my GGOODD LLLIIIIVVV IIII LLLLOOOOVVEEE YYYYOOOUUU"._ Liv finished up and crawled up to her and kissed her lips. Pulling the blonde woman closer to her, as she did that she felt the salty tears on her shoulder. Liv prayed she hadnt hurt the woman. She had only meant to give her some pleasure. _Did she really just say 'Liv I love you?'_

Pulling back so she had Amanda's eyes looking directly at her. "Did I hurt you?" Amanda had no words. Her eyes glistened with more tears. Shaking her head no, cause Liv kept looking at her. How did she tell her boss, that this meant more to her than anything. That it was the most care that she had ever had. The words to tell her that werent easy to find. Plus she had yelled out "I love you Liv" in the throws of passion. She felt awkward. The one thing easing her was the fact that Liv was still there, she hadnt ran. Liv spoke softly again, "Sweetie did I hurt you?" Amanda kissed her lips gently, tears still coming down. "No Liv, just the opposite. Never once have I ever felt what I felt with you. That was so beautiful, the way you made me feel. Big thing you, you're still here. You havent told me to get dressed, and you havent gotten dressed either. Dont I turn you off?" Liv scowled, why did this woman have such a low self esteem, she was a beautiful woman inside and out. "On the contrary Amanda I think what just happened between us was the total opposite."

They laid in silence for a little while. Amanda wondered how Liv was taking what she said. Granted it was in the throws of passion but she had meant it. She had developed feelings for the brunette. What if this made things awkward, she couldnt take any more of that. Liv had given her a little bit of space on the bed, Amanda thought she did something wrong so she apologized to Liv. "Sweetheart no need to apologize, I just wanted to give you a little bit of space to gather your feelings." Amanda moved closer, forcing Liv to put her arms around her naked body. "The last thing I need is space Liv. I cant take anymore distance. Please dont, even if it's just for tonight please dont distance yourself from me." Liv snuggled the blonde tighter. "Honey I wont distance myself from you. I dont think this is a one night thing. We've gotten closer, so close cause this, us wouldnt have happened if we didnt." Liv was scared but she was going to lay it out on the line. "Look Amanda, it's been happening for a while but I've developed feelings for you, feelings I can tell you reciprocate. Tonight sealed the deal, watching you with Noah when you put him to bed I couldnt have fallen more in love with you if I tried. That moment with you and him was just so beautiful, you treat him as your own and that's what Ive wanted. I couldn't get that with Tucker, he was good to him don't get me wrong but I never in all the time we were together witnessed a moment between them like I did you. It melted my heart."

Amanda's mind was on warp speed. _'Was Liv really saying all of this to her? Was Liv hinting at them possibly getting together? Was she really worthy of the love?'_ "Liv, he's a kid I adore him, no faking that. We have gotten closer and I myself have fallen in love with you. I've tried to hide it but it's not that easy."

Liv smiled, kissed the blonde's forehead and looked into her eyes, "So are you willing to try an us? I wont promise we wont get into fights or everything will be perfect. What I can promise is to be as good to you as I can and treat you the best I can."

Amanda's eyes glistened with happy tears. She could feel Liv's love in her words. She knew this was what was right. "Yes lets try an us." She kissed Liv with every bit of passion left in her, still tired from the lovemaking earlier. "I'll sleep better now, knowing you are here. We are still skin to skin and it all feels right. I love you Olivia Benson. Thank you so much for just making me happy and wanted. It means so much." Liv smiled, kissed her back, and kissed her forehead. "I will too, you're in my arms and close to my heart. I love you too Amanda Rollins."


End file.
